Caitlin and Kikki (variation)
by ninja hunter
Summary: just read it :D


It all started when our predictably heroic hero, Caitlin, woke up in a secret vineyard. It was the sixth time it had happened. Feeling exceedingly angered, Caitlin poked a wolverine, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). Absolutely thrilled, she realized that her beloved stick was missing! Immediately she called her so-called buddy, Kikki. Caitlin had known Kikki for (plus or minus) 200,000 years, the majority of which were exotic ones. Kikki was unique. She was attractive though sometimes a little... oafish. Caitlin called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Kikki picked up to a very mad Caitlin. Kikki calmly assured her that most spotted wolf hamsters panic before mating, yet 3-legged wallabies usually charismatically turn red *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Caitlin. Why was Kikki trying to distract Caitlin? Because she had snuck out from Caitlin's with the stick only seven days prior. It was a enticing little stick... how could she resist?

It didn't take long before Caitlin got back to the subject at hand: her stick. Kikki yawned. Relunctantly, Kikki invited her over, assuring her they'd find the stick. Caitlin grabbed her time machine and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Kikki realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the stick and she had to do it aggressively. She figured that if Caitlin took the gas-guzzling, ecology-destroying, tankish SUV, she had take at least five minutes before Caitlin would get there. But if she took the 4WD? Then Kikki would be really screwed.

Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Kikki was interrupted by eight insensitive timburr s that were lured by her stick. Kikki shuddered; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling puzzled, she thoughtfully reached for her potato and aptly backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent-the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the 4WD rolling up. It was Caitlin.

-o0o-

As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at IHOP to pick up a 12-pack of ripened avocados, so she knew she was running late. With a calculated leap, Caitlin was out of the 4WD and went surreptitiously jaunting toward Kikki's front door. Meanwhile inside, Kikki was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the stick into a box of dangerous oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind her giraffe. Kikki was concerned but at least the stick was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Kikki flamboyantly purred. With a inept push, Caitlin opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive zealous...zealot in a 'modded' Civic,' she lied. 'It's fine,' Kikki assured her. Caitlin took a seat vaguely close to where Kikki had hidden the stick. Kikki shuddered trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Caitlin was distracted. Happy as a frickin' monkey, Kikki noticed a annoying look on Caitlin's face. Caitlin slowly opened her mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Kikki felt a stabbing pain in her prostate when Caitlin asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the stick right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A insensitive look started to form on Caitlin's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's bananas from when she used to have pet man-eating capybaras. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Caitlin nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Kikki could react, Caitlin recklessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The stick was plainly in view.

Caitlin stared at Kikki for what what must've been ten microseconds. Happy as a frickin' monkey, Kikki groped flamboyantly in Caitlin's direction, clearly desperate. Caitlin grabbed the stick and bolted for the door. It was locked. Kikki let out a enchanting chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Caitlin,' she rebuked. Kikki always had been a little insensitive, so Caitlin knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Kikki did something crazy, like... start chucking ninja stars at her or something. In a tragically predictable turn of events, she gripped her stick tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Kikki looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Caitlin. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eight days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Caitlin. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Kikki walked over to the window and looked down. Caitlin was gone.

-o0o-

Just yonder, Caitlin was struggling to make her way through the haunted thicket behind Kikki's place. Caitlin had severely hurt her taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral timburr s suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the stick. One by one they latched on to Caitlin. Already weakened from her injury, Caitlin yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of timburr s running off with her stick.

But then God came down with His smart smile and restored Caitlin's stick. Feeling displeased, God smote the timburr s for their injustice. Then He got in His nappy, busted-out hatchback and blasted away with the fortitude of half a million 3-legged wallabies running from a teensy pack of Indonesian devil cats. Caitlin vomited with joy when she saw this. Her stick was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in six minutes her favorite TV show, digimon , was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When long-haired sea monkeys meet hand grenade'). Caitlin was thrilled. And so, everyone except Kikki and a few rusty razor blade-toting spotted wolf hamsters lived blissfully happy, forever after.


End file.
